What do you call it when you have to split your yard for a sports game?
A: Lawn division!
What do you call it when rabid llamas attack?
A: The alpaca-lypse!
What is the most expensive yet gross nut?
A: Cash-ews!
What part of the face is different for a crocodile than an alligator?
A:Who nose?!
Who was the first settler to make the all-american apple dessert?
A: The Pie-oneer!
What is the most dangerous gem?
A: a Die-mond!
What was the name of the young wizard with asthma?
A: Ron Wheezy.
A pencil with a broken tip is pointless.
There once was a magician so bad,
that he made the audience disappear!
Whats the best way to get ancient herbs?
A: a Thyme Machine!
My dad farted on an elevator,
and it was wrong on so many levels!
Wrestling:
a sport that gets a hold on you.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban at the zoo!
Some body's toasting:
I give champagne to real friends and real pain to sham friends!
What do you call a boring dance done over and over again?
A: a re-done-dance!
What did the pirate say when he was tired?
A: Yarn!
I went to the store to buy some invisible pants,
but I couldn't see any.
What do you call a peaceful and responsible member of society?
A: a Sit-in-zen!
In math, the class is finishing a unit.
Teacher: This ends our unit on fractions and decimals. Any comments about the experience?
Student: Yeah, that unit was totally in tenths (intense) !
Jury: Farmer Joe, were you hurt at all?
Farmer Joe: Yes! I broke my leg.
Jury: That's not what you told that officer over there, he said you were fine!
Farmer Joe: Well, when the officer found that my cow had a broken leg, he shot it to put it out of its misery!
Which religion worships the felines of change?
A: Cataclysm.
iphone: Buy an Apple product.
icore: An apple byproduct.
What is the name of the Ancient Egyptian cat queen?
A: Cleo-cat-ra!
What do you call an unpaid, toothless, worker?
A: An en-dentured servant.
What is the difference between a kitten and a comma?
A: A kitten has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma gives pause at the end of its clause!
Which American author is famous for his intense details?
A: Henry David Thorough.
In math class, a student tells a teacher his achievements.
Student: I added up a bunch of numbers and divided them by how many I had! Isn't that extraordinary?
Teacher: No, that's just average.
Student: Aww, don't be so mean!
Q:What is the favorite sport of the sons of a rich family?
A: Royal tee-ball!
Q: What is a confident man's favorite beverage?
A: Certain-tea!
Q: Which letter can give directions?
A: That's your Q.
Q: Which letter is most questionable?
A: Y?
Q: Why did the football coach go to the bank?
A: To get his quarter back.
Q: What drink is the most painful?
A: Punch
Q: Which roman god suffers from indigestion?
A: Jupiter. It's the biggest, roundest and it's made out of gas.
Q: There is a room with no windows, no doors, and no other openings. It is completely empty except for a board instructing how to escape. There is one person inside who cannot escape, even with the instructions. How?
A: He just can't make it out.
Q: A rocket is sent to the moon with more than enough fuel and a perfectly working launchpad. It doesn't come back. Why?
A: My, my, that crater looks new.
Q: What chess ranking does the Higgs boson have?
A: grand-mass-ter!
Q: Which medieval knight laughs at every joke, and why does he like camels?
A: Because he's sir Laugh-a-lot from Camel-lot!
Q: I throw a ball, it lands in Australia, and I catch it again. How is this possible?
A: If i'm in Australia.
Q: A guy walks into a peaceful store and walks out with a black eye. What happened?
A: It was a paint store.
Q: What ocean is most detailed?
A: The specific ocean.
Q: What's a fruit with many disabilities?
A: Can't-alope.
Q: Someone always carries an umbrella, even when it is sunny out. Who is he?
A: Justin Case.
Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A: A penguin rolling down a hill.
Q: What's black and white and laughing all over?
A: The penguin who pushed him.
Q: What happens to those who make fun of Wisconsin?
A: They get 'tis cons and sins.
I am not out of matter, and why should that matter,
I still keep the Earth moving round,
I secure those that jump and I hold down the ladder,
and keep humans down on the ground.
What am I?
A: Gravity
Q: What is in the middle of America, Australia, and Africa?
A: The letter R.
Q: What appears once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
A: The letter M.
Q: What's in crackers, arches, countries, and bricks, but just one can cover huge areas?
A: The C.
Bob: I just met someone who sounds like an owl.
Joe: Who?
Q: What did the baker say to the dough?
A: I knead you to make my bread.
Q: What do you call a group of universities?
A: A multiversity.
Q: What do you call a very unique group of universities?
A: A diversity.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The cow says.
The cow says who?
No, the cow says moo.
Q: What is the official geographic term for the section of Earth covered by ocean?
A: Surfer's surely surface-plant area.
Kid: What is 5-6?
Teacher: -1. Isn't it obvious?
Kid: Don't be so negative.
Q: How do you defeat the gravity sith lords?
A: With the magnetic force.
Q: How do you catch a mag-fish?
A: You use a mag-net!
Q: How do you tell if the U.S. mint isn't working right?
A: If none of it makes any cents.
Q: What was the name of the knight who signed a treaty with the enemy?
A: Sir Render.
Q: What do you say when a smelly genius shows you his formula?
A: You-reek-a-lot!
Three men walk into a bar.
A: Ouch.
Q: What has traveled around the Earth many times, but never has touched it?
A: The moon.
Q: What do you call a little dwarf that lives in an urban environment?
A: A Metro-gnome!
Q: How is the farewell wish expressed at 1:58 referred to?
A: Toodle-oo at two to two!
Q: What is the favorite outdoor activity for children in Wisconsin during winter?
A: Freeze tag!
Conversation between a proton & an electron
Proton: I think I lost all my electrons
Electron: Are you sure?
Proton: I'm positive.
Teacher: Class, who can tell one of the nutrients we get from fish?
Student: Iron.
Teacher: Does anyone know how they are caught?
Student: With a mag-net!
A Photon walks into a motel
Attendant: May I carry your luggage?
Photon: Here.
Attendant: Is this all?
Photon: Yep. I'm traveling light.
A Neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Neutron: How much will this cost?
Bartender: For you, no charge!
Q: Besides earning a PhD, what should one perfect in order to being a jedi-scientist?
A: The magnetic force!
Q: Why couldn't the clam and oyster be friends?
A: They were two shellfish!
Q: What was the diagnosis that the veterinarian gave to the wild horse that had swollen?
A: Broncoitis!
Q: What do you call the cut line that divides a sandwich in half?
A: A line of sandwichry!
Q: What is the vampire's favorite fruit?
A: Blood Oranges!
Q: What do you call an urban environment near a large body of salt water?
A: A Sea-ty!
Q: What do you call an athlete who hosts a talk show?
A: Radio-active!
Q: What do you call two water fowl that simultaneously exist and don't exist?
A: A Pair o' ducks!
Q: What language do postal carriers speak on the job?
A: Parceltongue!
Q: What do you call an unshaven man who works with clay, a spinning wheel, and a kiln?
A: A Hairy Potter
Q: What do you call two large felines that collide at a 90-degree angle?
A: Perpendicular Lions
Q: What do you call a dwarf fortune teller who has escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large
Q: Why did the old lady live in the shoe?
A: Because she had a bad real estate agent.
Q: Why couldn't the old paragraph articulate itself?
A: Because it didn't have its indentures.
Q: What do you call a shape with no sides?
A: A notagon.
Q: What is Newton's favorite funk song?
A: "You gotta get zenith to get nadir"
A: Lawn division!
What do you call it when rabid llamas attack?
A: The alpaca-lypse!
What is the most expensive yet gross nut?
A: Cash-ews!
What part of the face is different for a crocodile than an alligator?
A:Who nose?!
Who was the first settler to make the all-american apple dessert?
A: The Pie-oneer!
What is the most dangerous gem?
A: a Die-mond!
What was the name of the young wizard with asthma?
A: Ron Wheezy.
A pencil with a broken tip is pointless.
There once was a magician so bad,
that he made the audience disappear!
Whats the best way to get ancient herbs?
A: a Thyme Machine!
My dad farted on an elevator,
and it was wrong on so many levels!
Wrestling:
a sport that gets a hold on you.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban at the zoo!
Some body's toasting:
I give champagne to real friends and real pain to sham friends!
What do you call a boring dance done over and over again?
A: a re-done-dance!
What did the pirate say when he was tired?
A: Yarn!
I went to the store to buy some invisible pants,
but I couldn't see any.
What do you call a peaceful and responsible member of society?
A: a Sit-in-zen!
In math, the class is finishing a unit.
Teacher: This ends our unit on fractions and decimals. Any comments about the experience?
Student: Yeah, that unit was totally in tenths (intense) !
Jury: Farmer Joe, were you hurt at all?
Farmer Joe: Yes! I broke my leg.
Jury: That's not what you told that officer over there, he said you were fine!
Farmer Joe: Well, when the officer found that my cow had a broken leg, he shot it to put it out of its misery!
Which religion worships the felines of change?
A: Cataclysm.
iphone: Buy an Apple product.
icore: An apple byproduct.
What is the name of the Ancient Egyptian cat queen?
A: Cleo-cat-ra!
What do you call an unpaid, toothless, worker?
A: An en-dentured servant.
What is the difference between a kitten and a comma?
A: A kitten has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma gives pause at the end of its clause!
Which American author is famous for his intense details?
A: Henry David Thorough.
In math class, a student tells a teacher his achievements.
Student: I added up a bunch of numbers and divided them by how many I had! Isn't that extraordinary?
Teacher: No, that's just average.
Student: Aww, don't be so mean!
Q:What is the favorite sport of the sons of a rich family?
A: Royal tee-ball!
Q: What is a confident man's favorite beverage?
A: Certain-tea!
Q: Which letter can give directions?
A: That's your Q.
Q: Which letter is most questionable?
A: Y?
Q: Why did the football coach go to the bank?
A: To get his quarter back.
Q: What drink is the most painful?
A: Punch
Q: Which roman god suffers from indigestion?
A: Jupiter. It's the biggest, roundest and it's made out of gas.
Q: There is a room with no windows, no doors, and no other openings. It is completely empty except for a board instructing how to escape. There is one person inside who cannot escape, even with the instructions. How?
A: He just can't make it out.
Q: A rocket is sent to the moon with more than enough fuel and a perfectly working launchpad. It doesn't come back. Why?
A: My, my, that crater looks new.
Q: What chess ranking does the Higgs boson have?
A: grand-mass-ter!
Q: Which medieval knight laughs at every joke, and why does he like camels?
A: Because he's sir Laugh-a-lot from Camel-lot!
Q: I throw a ball, it lands in Australia, and I catch it again. How is this possible?
A: If i'm in Australia.
Q: A guy walks into a peaceful store and walks out with a black eye. What happened?
A: It was a paint store.
Q: What ocean is most detailed?
A: The specific ocean.
Q: What's a fruit with many disabilities?
A: Can't-alope.
Q: Someone always carries an umbrella, even when it is sunny out. Who is he?
A: Justin Case.
Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A: A penguin rolling down a hill.
Q: What's black and white and laughing all over?
A: The penguin who pushed him.
Q: What happens to those who make fun of Wisconsin?
A: They get 'tis cons and sins.
I am not out of matter, and why should that matter,
I still keep the Earth moving round,
I secure those that jump and I hold down the ladder,
and keep humans down on the ground.
What am I?
A: Gravity
Q: What is in the middle of America, Australia, and Africa?
A: The letter R.
Q: What appears once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
A: The letter M.
Q: What's in crackers, arches, countries, and bricks, but just one can cover huge areas?
A: The C.
Bob: I just met someone who sounds like an owl.
Joe: Who?
Q: What did the baker say to the dough?
A: I knead you to make my bread.
Q: What do you call a group of universities?
A: A multiversity.
Q: What do you call a very unique group of universities?
A: A diversity.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The cow says.
The cow says who?
No, the cow says moo.
Q: What is the official geographic term for the section of Earth covered by ocean?
A: Surfer's surely surface-plant area.
Kid: What is 5-6?
Teacher: -1. Isn't it obvious?
Kid: Don't be so negative.
Q: How do you defeat the gravity sith lords?
A: With the magnetic force.
Q: How do you catch a mag-fish?
A: You use a mag-net!
Q: How do you tell if the U.S. mint isn't working right?
A: If none of it makes any cents.
Q: What was the name of the knight who signed a treaty with the enemy?
A: Sir Render.
Q: What do you say when a smelly genius shows you his formula?
A: You-reek-a-lot!
Three men walk into a bar.
A: Ouch.
Q: What has traveled around the Earth many times, but never has touched it?
A: The moon.
Q: What do you call a little dwarf that lives in an urban environment?
A: A Metro-gnome!
Q: How is the farewell wish expressed at 1:58 referred to?
A: Toodle-oo at two to two!
Q: What is the favorite outdoor activity for children in Wisconsin during winter?
A: Freeze tag!
Conversation between a proton & an electron
Proton: I think I lost all my electrons
Electron: Are you sure?
Proton: I'm positive.
Teacher: Class, who can tell one of the nutrients we get from fish?
Student: Iron.
Teacher: Does anyone know how they are caught?
Student: With a mag-net!
A Photon walks into a motel
Attendant: May I carry your luggage?
Photon: Here.
Attendant: Is this all?
Photon: Yep. I'm traveling light.
A Neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Neutron: How much will this cost?
Bartender: For you, no charge!
Q: Besides earning a PhD, what should one perfect in order to being a jedi-scientist?
A: The magnetic force!
Q: Why couldn't the clam and oyster be friends?
A: They were two shellfish!
Q: What was the diagnosis that the veterinarian gave to the wild horse that had swollen?
A: Broncoitis!
Q: What do you call the cut line that divides a sandwich in half?
A: A line of sandwichry!
Q: What is the vampire's favorite fruit?
A: Blood Oranges!
Q: What do you call an urban environment near a large body of salt water?
A: A Sea-ty!
Q: What do you call an athlete who hosts a talk show?
A: Radio-active!
Q: What do you call two water fowl that simultaneously exist and don't exist?
A: A Pair o' ducks!
Q: What language do postal carriers speak on the job?
A: Parceltongue!
Q: What do you call an unshaven man who works with clay, a spinning wheel, and a kiln?
A: A Hairy Potter
Q: What do you call two large felines that collide at a 90-degree angle?
A: Perpendicular Lions
Q: What do you call a dwarf fortune teller who has escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large
Q: Why did the old lady live in the shoe?
A: Because she had a bad real estate agent.
Q: Why couldn't the old paragraph articulate itself?
A: Because it didn't have its indentures.
Q: What do you call a shape with no sides?
A: A notagon.
Q: What is Newton's favorite funk song?
A: "You gotta get zenith to get nadir"
These Days
by Ethan